August 11, 2009 at 8:02 Leave a comment

When children are abused they frequently develop a victim mentality and maladaptive strategies in dealing with the pain.  They constantly go back to their painful circumstances over and over again for years.  They tend to be shy and unemotional or over emotional like I was.  Children are abused verbally, physically, sexually, and emotionally.  We all feel the pain and the shame of people that were suppose to love us and protect us but seriously violated that trust and skewed their children’s souls.   The children who suffer physical and sexual abuse are scared much deeper and need a Church that is willing to except broken people because they see themsleves as broken sinners also who show compassion to scared people that feel immense sense of shame.

However, living like a victim for a Christian is a contradiction.  Why do I say this?  Adults that live with a victim mentality are always thinking about their pain, perseverating on actions done against them years previously.  As long as a Christian lives the life of a victim they never mature as Christians because they are always center on themselves and their pain.  As long as they hold onto their victimhood they will never get relief from the pain.

I lived like this until my late-thirties and my life was miserable.  I  would spew my pain out to any one who would listen to even strangers.   I was bitter, anger, fearful, and my mind thought one anarchic thought after another dreaming of destroying whole towns or blowing up cities.  I was vengeful and would start gossip to try to destroy people who treat me badly.  I was a mess and the older I became the more I knew it.  I was living like a Pharisee judging people and pretending I was righteous.   What created this destructive life style was me constantly going over how my father treated as I was growing up, he was harsh with me using shame and guilt to control me and when that didn’t work he would beat me.   He broke my soul and when I came to Christ I did not see how he could change me because God was like my father to me.  I would read the Bible and only find condemnation and judgement I never saw God’s promises to me or the Gospel.   During my early-thirties I suffered a nerveous breakdown and entered grad-school, my mother was living with us, Debbie was expecting Emma, and I was working two jobs, Debbies was working and home schooling Abby and Erin.   When I was in my later thirties I was driving when a horrible sense of my sins engulfed me and I cried out to my Father to rescue me and he did.  For the first time in my life I was at peace with myself and with God because he sent the Holy Spirit to me who showed me the overwhelming amount of love the Father had for me that lasted for months.  That is when I began growing as a Christian.

Living like a victim is like being an orphan in which you are all alone in your pain.  It is hard to think about someone elses pain because yours  is always worse.   It is a selfish way to live being always concerned about your feelings, your rights and cycling in on your pain.  Until we turn to God to deliver us we will never grow up as mature Christians.  Some people fake it but sooner than latter they their pain will come out in a big way.

God chose us to become holy people (Ephesians 1:4) and when we are living in the past that is only place we will be and becoming holy.   People that live like victims are emotionally immature.  One the primary things about mature Christians they can tolerate a lot of emotional pain.  Younger people  usually have a low tolerance to emotional pain.  For instance young people are usually busy and use that as an example why they can no longer minister to a particular group in the Church.  However they don’t realize how much they need to minister to that to mature as Christians. 

People who live like victims their emotional tolerance is very small.  There pesonal space is rather large and when your break into their bubble they will spew out all their pain that you causing them.  Their problems fall on people that are not sinning against them.  They precieve people are saying one thing when they are saying something else.  The prejudge peoples actions as being evil towards them when their not.

Our lives are to be sacrificed for Christ’s Kingdom.   Jesus tells us to take up our crosses and follow him.  He also tells us we need to die in order to live.   He tells us we must hate our fathers and mothers for the Kingdom of God.  Jesus is using an over statement to make the point that God always should come first.  God discplines and brings pain into our lives to change us.  He doesn’t want us to suffer needlessly because of sinful life styles.

When I helping victims leave their life style I usually prescribe four books to help them focus on Christ:

1. What’s So Amazing About Grace by Philip Yancey

2. From Fear To Freedom by Rose Marie Miller

3. The Prodical Son Returns by Henri J. M. Nouwen

4. Outrageous Merby by William P. Farley

It took several Christian and naturalistic counselors, 156 weeks of study with my pastor and the first three books listed, and weekly Gospel Centered Preaching to get rid of the pain in my life.

I suggest victims meet with mature Gospel centered Christian of the same sex regularly.  Meet regularly with your Gospel Centered Pastor, read your Bible looking the Love verses God is sending you in his Word.  Read good books that focuses on the Gospel message that Christ died for our sins and gave us his righteousness making us holy and making us his adopted brothers and sisters.  The four books I listed do just that.

We need to cut out our parents out of our lives and make our Father in Heaven our true Father only then can we reconcile with our earthly fathers.

The only person I had in mind writing this was me as letter to all the people I know and those I do not know who struggling as adults due the way their parents raised them.  My heart goes out to these adults who have often turned to sex, of drugs to kill the pain.   That is why I emplore people to write me where we can dialogue and maybe I can be helpful to them.  You don’t have to give me your real name just give me a name.  If you need a hug email me and will tell where I am so I can hug you.  Broken people need acceptance and a lot of honest  nonviolating Love.


Entry filed under: Grace.

Addiction Humility and Love

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